Flipping through the pages of my diary

The oak tree has grown taller and healthier. Don't worry, i water your lilies everyday, they are blossoming well! I'm always filled with your thoughts at weird instances of my life. Like while cooking in the morning, while going to work at afternoon and watching your favourite buncakes being sold in street side bakery in the downtown alley and also while tuning the radio at night.  Yesterday, i thought, i saw someone resembling to you and since that moment, i am wondering if you are really nearby, if you are in this city too. I went to the sea shore last night, played with waves, and made a small castle for us. I did all of it while waiting for you there. But before you, the sun came and i woke up! It's another day without you here. All the emails i wrote are still unread. Feels like you really forgot your password.  The sun is shining brightly just like your smile and autumns will be near soon. While roasting sweet potatoes in the backyard on leaves, i'm thinking of y...

If i could pour down my heart for the last time for you on these blank sheets, i would paint it all red. Red because my heart was so much in love with you, my love was so much in pain and my pain was so much in anger .  If forgetting you was the first wave to ever hit me, i would never go to the oceans, i would always remember you.  Last ballad of my heart to you, My heart sings, " if it hurts you to remember us for how we ended, think like we never met, if your heart yearns for me and your head doesn't want it to come back to me, sleep, sleep, we'll meet in dreams, if you miss me when i am no longer in this world and it's too late, write it down everything you wished to say to me, i'll come and read through it, if i am no more in this world and you wish to see me, watch the sky all along the seasons, somedays i'll crying through rain wanting to touch you for the last time through the raindrops falling on your face, to somedays i'll be rooting for you with ...

I am watching Yashub ( 5 years old kid ) playing in the yard all by himself, i am watching his childhood slipping into days. I see myself in him, all my childhood days are now just barely the recollected memories of my early youth. It's all gone in the mist air. In summers, when i hear the tintinnabulation of wind chimes and voice of ice cream vendors selling ice cream, i get lured by those days that are already gone. I think of maa, how we would split peas sitting in the shed of the Mulberry tree in our backyard. I wonder about those days that have lost it's calmness in the honking of today's vehicles and era of instant messages. Back in those days, human connections really mattered to us and were also so strong. Now we have internet and so many people on our fingertips, we have lost human connections or perhaps made too many that not even one is strong. Back in those days, i had someone who would ask me if i had eaten or not, i long for her. Yesterday i was reading Scrhro...

World is a huge place I lost my way  yesterday while coming back home I met a stranger He asked me directions  I asked him the same  Maybe i am tired, looking at this same old city I hate sun  I love rain And it makes me sadly happy Maybe i am looking for a new home But my heart is in turmoils Crackers burning inside  The sky of my heart  must be looking pretty tonight I meet so many strangers lately Wish i can make them all my friends  But i fumble saying hi What is the difference between an acquaintance and a friend  I'm a little aloof these days  I am looking for a friend  The ones i have got have grown old and distant, they dont call me back  God, I am looking for a house, if not a home yet Someone said, my writings dont make sense Well, he is my closest friend  Now, i feel he is right It doesn't make sense like my feelings for him Love is beautiful  Love is pretty  Love is like dancing in rain Love is like giddy ...

To Ashaz, Ashaz, it is heavily raining here and i feel like you have visited this city. Rain has always reminded me of you. This city is haunting me  because it's too peaceful without you. Ashaz you told me that your name means, " one in million " and now it upsets me since you've gone because i feel i can't ever find someone like you because there's noone like you.  I was passing by this flowershop yesterday and it reminded me of you. You have left the city but left behind the reminders to keep reminding me of you. Ashaz your name is the sweetest melody ever my voice has sung. Before your name, i have always hated my voice.  Ashaz, i told you, i'm leaving this city tomorrow but it feels like i'll be carrying you with me. This life is so short, when we were together, time slipped by us and now that we are far, i don't know what to do, time is still slipping by and looks like my life will be over soon and perhaps i won't be able to see you for t...

I'm strolling around this city but it no longer feels like home since the day you are gone. We are in July, and it's heavily raining here. If you remember, you would know how much i adored rain, but now i have excuses to not go out in rain. I sit in cafes, take shelter in a bookstore, and buy umbrella when it is raining. I've realised something, it's that how feelings changes, and gradually everything changes. Your favorite bakery has been shut down, and the lanes have got contricted due to construction of buildings on both the sides of the lane. But the ice cream store at the subway station is still there. I had my last creampie there last evening. I'll shift to another city in a few days, i have packed my bags. Yesterday night, i was near your home and my heart wasn't in turmoils. I feel like it has forgiven you for all you did to it. I think life is all about love and forgiveness because we are all always breaking something, we are all always hurting someone....

Do you believe in past lives? Like i have met him over and over again in all the lives i have lived and survived Like his fingers have brushed against mine everytime he passed by me Like our names have been changed, Like perhaps his sur name became mine, mine became his but still we have always been the same people writing love ballads in different places Like he has known me in all the lifetimes Like i have seen him before Like he knows me well and i know him too from the way my name slips over his tongue He calls me and the voice echos in my heart                                                         — soulmate There something that i failed to put in words, maybe a thread or a bamboo rope that ties me to you. No matter how farther you go, you come to me, i come to you in all the lifetimes. Like the first snow Like the first rain Like the ea...

Sometimes this whole world falls into deep screeches of silence, that i can't even hear the honking of vehicles. In all such moment, i can only hear the loudness of my thumping heart in this city. Tick,tick, tick The only sound  that accompanies me at nights But sometimes i ignore it with songs There's something in my heart That makes it heavy with time Physically it's not there,  but still it's here Just this energy that  never leaves me behind I carry it everywhere i go From candy stores to restrooms, Its always there in me                                                 — void  That feeling when i have this whole damn world around me and this huge sky above my head, but still it's not enough, there's somethings lacking here and i'll never know what's that. I'm here at the subway station watching trains come and go. 

There's a playground in my head, we are playing there and we are just six again.  Even when i was young I wasn't in hurry to grow up But somedays i wanted to escape school So i wished to be older soon I have backspaced a lot, i think this is also the thing we acquire as we grow up, we think too much before we can speak.  In my head, I am running in lush green fields, i have no future, i have got no past there. I am free, my heart is no longer in pain and my back is not burdened with responsibilities. When i was small and there used to be complete blackout at my home, i used to ask my dad again and again, when light will come back. He used to say, light has taken rickshaw and now it is coming, coming, coming, slowly, slowly, just here, now, just going to arrive in 1, 2 and, and, and 3.  Back in those days, i really believed it. Back in those days, magic was real to me. 

I'm taking over your habits Since the day you've left  Like cigarettes left untouched in my trousers  Like sleeping with three pillows, with one on my face Like sketching naked bodies Like screaming my lungs out when a random song plays Like clicking on youtube ads and reporting them unnecessarily  Weirdly i am doing it all Weirdly i am not even aware of that How are you?  How am i? If you only ask, then i'll say, its blue, its blue here, and little grey too as the smoke doesn't leave my room, probably because i forgot to open the windows before i lit my cigarette I'm ordering food from swiggy at midnight, i am still awake and it's 3. Life is unstable, but i am fine.  Chucked my old car keys Swallowed chunks of bread with milk Wore the tshirt you gave me Listened to the playlist we made Forgot to tie my shoe laces I fell hard on ground  Weird falling patterns  Resembling to yours Diaries all inked Friendship bands in bin Promises rotting in a corner Da...

It's over not means its the end, but rather completion, our story is complete now. I'm letting go of us and someday we will turn back to see how beautifully we are still carved in all our yesterdays, in all of our pasts. Y ou'll be my soothing memory on a tough day.                — goodbye  There are some things not meant for you, stop holding onto them so tightly, let them go back from where they came. Let everything be at peace. Dont force anything.  I'll let us go now. Somedays i am hearing us on the audios Somedays i am passing by our lanes Somedays i am hearing your name being called by a random stranger Somedays i am watching our pictures Somedays i am hating over us Somedays i am forgiving us  Somedays i am hoping that you'll call Somedays i am done with all of this nonsense with my luggage all packed, i'm ready to leave Somedays i am texting you hi, only to save it in drafts Somedays i am wondering why still your chapter is...

You asked me, " who am i to you ? "  i asked myself for days, weeks, and months  who are you to me? You are a forgotten song's name with broken lyrics that i remember, you are that letter in my draft because i never knew how to end it, you are all those 206 voice recordings in my phone that makes my storage full but i still don't delete, you are that weird me because i feel we are similar, you are that lane that still welcomes me warmly despite of being strangers, you are that benchmate who doesn't talk much but still passes a smile back to me, you are that excitement of knowing classes have been canceled, you are that random thought of why we met and that one question to wonder, how life would have been if we hadn't met each other, you are my longings on a night when i dial your phone number but don't call, you are that one percent probability in my head that assures me of bumping into you on a subway station, you are my dearest friend because i care for ...

1) i hope you never have to lose your closest people. 2) i hope you never take someone you love for granted because that is when two people fall apart. 3) i hope you never have to part ways with your childhood best friend because there should be someone in everyone's life who will remind them of their school days. 4) i hope you never have to feel hesitation in talking to someone with whom you once spent hours talking to. 5)  i hope you always hold yourself accountable for the words you use for someone. 6) i hope you know the secret behind long lasting beautiful friendships is a simple sorry and lot of understanding. 7) i hope you always choose your words wisely. 8) i hope you dont contribute to the hatred of this world. 9) i hope you know that people who end up crying while explaining themselves have hit their lowest, please be gentle to them. 10) i hope you know there is a difference between sympathy and empathy. I hope you choose the second one over the first. 11) i hope you know...

Hey, today one of my most closest friend called me " selfish " and in a moment, i fell down, deeper into self guilt, wondering, contemplating about all the things i do that makes me selfish. And the list started with you, my diary, how i only come to you when the turmoils within me don't settle down, or how i sneakily take away the leftover donut from the fridge without thinking about my sister, or how i stop someone from going back home just because i am scared of be left alone again, or how i take away the t.v remote from my dad just because i want to watch my favorite shows, or how i whine over a window seat when my friend takes over it, or how i only play my songs in a house party, or how i want my favorite people to watch my favorite movie with me, or how i sometimes burden people with my emotions.  There are people who will always make a home out of your heart, and you will keep them warm there, always protecting them, but sometimes i feel we overdo, we overfeel, we...

The first feeling of love  The first feeling of excitement  The first feeling of friendship The first feeling of possessiveness  The first feeling of hurt The first feeling of missing someone  The first feeling of grief  The first feeling of romance  The first feeling of heartbreak  The first feeling of betrayal The first feeling of pain  The first feeling of sorrow The first feeing of loneliness  The first feeling of yearning  The first encounter will always be intense.  I remember my first love, it was like never before, the excitement of going to school, the hours spent in front of the mirror, the intensity will never match to any of the love i will have now.  The first feeling of romance was back in those school days, the slight brush of fingers, asking for an extra pen and shying over his name when called with mine. My first heartbreak, it felt like the whole world will shatter down, it felt like that night will never g...

" Har yaad mai teri yaad hai Tu na hoke bhi mere pas hai Maine sab kuch bhula diya  Magar yaado ko bhi hum yaad hai " Every memory has your memory  You are not here but you're still here with me I have forgotten everything  But memories still remember us  I've burnt the heap of letters i wrote to you, i have met a new lover in my life to forget you, i have visited places where we never went together, i worked day and night and earned reputation and fame among my people, i stopped seeing familiar faces and never opened my diaries to write about you but then where did it all go wrong?  I am here writing about you, it's not midnight, it's scorching bright afternoon  Missing someone is like wanting to hear them, how does your voice sound now? Is that old bakery near the downtown still your escape destination? Do you still delete texts that you send? Do you still sing the wrong lyrics with full pride?, do you still have that folder full of my pictures or have yo...

We are not the people we were  That's all i feel when i see you  I want to know who you are now I want to know who you were before  People change, and sometimes people with whom you saw a future will disappear in a night and you would never know what happened to them. You'll think as if they changed the city, as if they relocated to somewhere far, as if they lost their phone, as if the sky has fallen down on them, as if the earth swallowed them inside. But you will never know what exactly happened to them. You'll only try to convince your heart. Sometimes your best friend will become just another stranger passing by Sometimes the person you talked to for hours won't pick your calls  Sometimes the one who always prioritized you will choose someone else  Sometimes the one who promised to always be by your side will ghost you when you need them the most Sometimes the people you loved will fall in love with someone else Sometimes the familiar places will feel more ...

" If you are missing someone right now, go and tell them, it's not too late yet. " Death is certain  Why are you scared of ghosts  You'll be one of them someday  I said, " It's there, It's there, It's almost there" he said, " What?" — My longest sleep The world is a chaotic place and when i die, i don't want to be burnt into ashes. I want to be buried to enrich the earth, to enrich the soil, and to enrich life When i will be closing my eyes, i will singing the melody of peace, and i want my lover to not cry even single tear of grief but rather bid me goodbye happily. Death is certain, i am not terrified of it. If it won't happen, someday the sun will engulf all of us so it's better to sleep peacefully when your time will come. They say, " don't look for death, death will find you "  So in this moment, i'll live, i live to my fullest. You must live, live and have lot of fun because when time comes, we, human...

My days and nights  are all immersed in poetries I think i have got nothing more in my life  Than my greed of always being by your side I spread your memories on my pillow When i struggle with my sleep Loving you was the most sweetest feeling i have ever had and still feel. The butterflies in my stomach, the constant blush on my cheeks, the desire to show up as the most perfect women you'll ever meet and my deep desperation to say the most cringiest pick up line i ever memorized thrice on my way to you. It is what it is  to fall in love with you, my beloved Loving you was like wanting to tell you about my days, about my favorite colour, about my favorite food, about my family, about my childhood, about my sadness, about the excitement, and about every trivial thing that happened to me without even waiting for you to ask. But I also want to know everything about you, everything that makes you, everything that cheers you up, everything that puts you down, everything that ma...

There are incidents you'll never know And so we call them mishappenings Coincidents are rare but they do happen Magic feels like a dummy game  But it still real in some corners of this world You feel love is just betrayal  But someone out there still believes in it "Autumn brings sadness", he once said to me "But even winters feel the same", i replied  Go, round and round, but we still cross paths. I met someone few days back. He fumbled as he took my name. Life is quite weird because you feel the chapter is close, the story is over but then a new chapter begins with the same old characters. You were only that character to my story.  Sometimes you will meet people as random as buying bread in the same grocery or just bumping your head into the same pole.  But all of it actually happens. I'm not talking about any movie sequel, because it happened in my life. You think you will never go back to some places, you will never cross paths with some stupid people, a...

When i think about you My heart blooms with love We were not right people at the wrong time We were just wrong people  who were always  pretending to be right The last time we talked It ended up with just one line,  " we are not on the same page "  There are people we meet, people we love, people we genuinely care about,  but we don't end up on the same page. What do you mean by the same page?  It's like, we are different stories, and everytime i turn the page, one of us is left behind.  I never understood why some people couldn't be in our life and so i was always terrified of losing them. I held onto them for as long as i could, so tightly that it started hurting me but it was too late when i realised that they gave up on me long ago It's raining here at my place and i am tempted with the desire of talking to you.   I don't believe in destinies but if mine ever existed in this world, i wish i could change it for us.  If you are in love but ...

Losing someone feels the same whether you have known them for days, years, months or just weeks because when you lose them, the ache is still the same.  How do we outgrow people? Well, there are no perfect steps if you aren't doing it intentionally. I pass by our school It reminds me of you Your house is just 21 mins far But i don't know you Because you hesitate saying hi I think you don't know me too It's been 7 years now And we delete the messages we type But still Somedays, in the amidst of all the chaos of my life, i still think of you I remember my sister once said to me, " life is a circle, we begin as strangers, then friends and then strangers again "  And perhaps for most of the people in your life who would slowly slip away, you would never have any clue for what and where it all went wrong. Some nights, you'll just send them a random hi hoping they'll revert back. The world is a big place, i felt it the day you changed your phone number and i...

" i see you standing  In the same place where we first met But you are no longer him, the one i knew And I am no longer who you met  But i sense this feeling  Perhaps you sense it too As if i am only yours And you are still mine till this date " What is Nostalgia?  If it's not a feeling of something that was once mine, if it's not reoccrrance of moments in front of my eyes, if it's not amalgamation of days we lived together and the days we lived away, if it's not the number of breaths i took and only inhaled you, if it's not someone's favorite ice cream flavor that reminded me of you, if it's not then what is nostalgia to you?  This city is not new to me but it is still not familiar. It feels strange without you here. A person, a place, some memories and some days. They are all scattered up in the air, they are everywhere. Even though you are far, i still feel it here.  What do people become when they go away from our lives? I think, they become m...

It's 333 in the morning, and i don't know how to fall asleep looking back at the ceiling. I think longings knock your door on such nights when you've someone's phone number but you can't dial. What is longing? If it's not the desire the run back to those who devastated you, what is longing to you? Tell me, if it is not wanting to have a time machine, if it is not the sickening desire that makes you lose hunger and sleep, what is longing if it is not wanting to alive the dead, if it is not wanting to run away from your head. What is longing, if it's not any of this. What is longing, if it's not the pain or the fear of losing something that you've already lost. What is longing, if it doesn't make you want to tear your heart, what is longing if it doesn't make you cry a million tear, what is longing if you don't type those texts just to save them in drafts, what is longing if you don't go out hoping to cross them by chance, what is longi...