the first feeling

The first feeling of love 
The first feeling of excitement 
The first feeling of friendship
The first feeling of possessiveness 
The first feeling of hurt
The first feeling of missing someone 
The first feeling of grief 
The first feeling of romance 
The first feeling of heartbreak 
The first feeling of betrayal
The first feeling of pain 
The first feeling of sorrow
The first feeing of loneliness 
The first feeling of yearning 


The first encounter will always be intense. 
I remember my first love, it was like never before, the excitement of going to school, the hours spent in front of the mirror, the intensity will never match to any of the love i will have now. 

The first feeling of romance was back in those school days, the slight brush of fingers, asking for an extra pen and shying over his name when called with mine.

My first heartbreak, it felt like the whole world will shatter down, it felt like that night will never get over, it felt like i will never be fine again, it felt like i was all over the places where i met him, and where he left me 
                                          ~ my first boyfriend 

My first friendship, it lasted for 7 years, i liked that girl ( platonic love ). My first ever feeling of possessiveness was for her. I never got that crazy again in friendship the way i was with her.

My first feeling of betryal was when my best friend stopped talking to me and became friends with someone else. 
I never knew why, i still don't know why.

My first feeling of severe pain was when my first boyfriend ghosted me and i never even knew back in those days what ghosting actually meant. I kept waiting near the landline all the time for his calls ~ my first feeling of waiting for someone.

The first feeling of loneliness was when in the high school, all my friends left and joined some institutes and i had to make new friends but nothing was like before. Everything changed from that point in my life.
I did make a very nice friend, i really cared for him but he left too and made some new friends. My high-school journey will always remind me of what loneliness and missing someone together felt like. 

My first feeling of yearning was for meeting some of my really close school friends but after school,  they never came to meet me. We all just fell apart with the fast pace of life.

The first feeling is so intense. It's not like i never fell in love again, it's not like i didn't make friends again, it's not like i never felt lonely again, it's not like i never got hurt again, it's not like i never faced betrayal again, it's not like i don't know what romance is now, its not like there's noone i miss now. 

I know everything, these emotions, these feelings still knocks my door on some days, on some nights but now, i'm no longer afraid of it.

" once you die, you lose the fear of dying " 

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