Flipping through the pages of my diary

I just feel like if only I could see the stillness in every moment. If only I could stop rushing—on the way back home, on the way to college. If only I could take my meals more slowly, feel every breath filling my lungs. If only I could just lay in bed and gaze at the rooftop. If only, when I speak, I do so with calmness. If only I could let go of all the hurry in my life. Then, I guess, that would be my dream life. I have realized how much I love being at home, how much I love being at peace. I have recognized the moment when loneliness starts to merge with solitude.  I have realized that the greatest form of love I could ever find in this world is the love I hold for myself.  I have found solace and serenity in every passing moment—to be in it fully, with open eyes and an open heart, to not worry about the future, to not dwell in the past. What a life to live. What a life. A life I am living right now. I’m happy for me. I’m happy for myself. –2025 February song

I had all the right words, but I was mute. So, I wrote them down. But he was blind. So, I made someone else read them to him. But he didn’t know my language. Now, he had something to say. But when he spoke, he forgot. Later, he remembered, so he wrote them down. But I didn’t understand what it meant. And the cycle continued.

I just realized it that people dont change. Because we are all just walking museums of our past wounds, traumas, promises of our ex lovers, learnt coping mechanisms of our childhood, insecurities and neglected emotional needs when we were too young to ever understand the consequences of it. So, If someone doesn't change for you, or their behavior that triggered you or the pattern that you only wished could be eradicated from this relationship then everything would have worked well or you wished your anxious heart could just stop messing it all, but the truth is people dont change and trust me you can't change someone if they dont want to change for you. Hope is an addictive pill. You hope for one more chance and everything will actually change, everything will work. But this is how years go in vain and you should stop doing it now. Sometimes just listen to your heart and you will know it all – why it never worked. This was supposed to be my last text to him but often it's b...

Life Is Like a Box of Chocolates When people ask, How can I be happy? they often forget that they celebrate happiness but rarely sit with sadness. You don’t have to glorify sadness, but you can acknowledge it, accept it, and let it be. Most of our unhappiness comes from trying to fix things that aren’t in our control—holding onto a perfect version of life that doesn’t exist. Life is like a box of chocolates, filled with different experiences. Imagine you have a box with 50 types of chocolates. You try one—it’s good, but not great. The next one? Amazing. You love it. Excited, you try a third—it’s creamy, deep, and just your type. You wonder why you didn’t get this one first. But that’s life. You had to go through two chocolates before finding this one. Then comes the fourth—it’s rich, smooth, and makes you happy. But when you try the fifth, it’s bitter and ruins your taste. Do you stop there? Do you cry and decide you don’t deserve good chocolates? No. You don’t lock yourself in a room,...

You spend so much time into chaos, drama, with some people, and situations in your life, that you feel this is what life and love feels like. Unless you meet someone one day, where there is no drama,  there is no constant surviving mode, no unnecessary fights, no fear, no anxiety. There is just understanding that flows through, where there is no over explanations, where there is no fear of abandonment, rather it's just peace, it's just compassion, empathy, love, respect,  calmness, and a lot of stability. It is then you realize that it's not the butterflies in your belly that makes you feel loved, or that is the proof or evidence of being in love, but rather it's calmness, and feeling secure, and feeling safe with someone around you, that you are not hyperactive, and you're not shivering, you're not nervous, and your health is not deteriorating but rather you're at peace with yourself, comfortable in your own skin, and more in love with yourself when they ar...

There are different kinds of love in this world like warm love, compassionate love, anxious love, avoidant love, secure love, emotionally fulfilling love, disappointing love, arrogant love, kind love, attentive love, sensitive love, joyful love, consistent love, inconsistent love, romantic love, passionate love, gentle love, fierce love, impatient love, burning love, calming love, silent love, loud love ...and the list will go on for long.  And despite of all these kinds, you will always get to choose the type of love you want, you need and feel deserving of. And I will always choose a love that will calm my nervous system, that will always make me feel emotionally safe, where everything is workable, where everything can be communicated with love. I will always choose a love that will sit by my side in silence too, a love that will assure me not with words adorned with love but one that is full of actions, a love where I don't have to prove my worth daily, a love which I dont have ...

I would always wonder why you and I, who were so fundamentally different, came together. You were always running away from me when you were upset, while I would run into you all the time, pestering you for what happened, asking you multiple times, and watching your silence speak to me. I always felt like the door was closed in my face when I tried to reach out to you because I don’t know what personal space means. And maybe more than that, my heart was scared that the door might never open again. I loved you so much that my soul wanted to transcribe every part of your soul so we would never fall into misunderstandings again. I thought maybe silence had its own language, and I would try to read it, but I couldn’t master it, and your silence ghosted me. My anger toward you often evaporated through tears falling down, and I never knew what to say because I had many words stuck in my throat, which never really aligned at their best to make sense. I was anxiously attached, and you had an av...