our machineries don't work when we come together. i am jealous of other machineries that actually work right with you.

I would always wonder why you and I, who were so fundamentally different, came together. You were always running away from me when you were upset, while I would run into you all the time, pestering you for what happened, asking you multiple times, and watching your silence speak to me. I always felt like the door was closed in my face when I tried to reach out to you because I don’t know what personal space means. And maybe more than that, my heart was scared that the door might never open again.

I loved you so much that my soul wanted to transcribe every part of your soul so we would never fall into misunderstandings again. I thought maybe silence had its own language, and I would try to read it, but I couldn’t master it, and your silence ghosted me. My anger toward you often evaporated through tears falling down, and I never knew what to say because I had many words stuck in my throat, which never really aligned at their best to make sense.

I was anxiously attached, and you had an avoidant attachment style. It was crazy. Every time I thought that this time it would go right, things again fell apart, and I sat with everything getting ruined in front of my eyes. I wanted to give up, and I actually did, too. My soul gave up on you, and I’m sure yours gave up on me. We are humans, with the same language, yet nothing worked. Every time I looked back on our story, I just don’t know where it all went wrong, where we could have improved, or where we could have put in a little more. I don’t know, and all my life I’ve felt I was in a story whose ending will always be the same—heart-wrenching.

I would always feel the universe had fun watching us part and come back all over again, from time to time. 

But this is not what I wanted. I wished either we could stay forever or just forget that we even ever existed with each other. I wish the universe could change our story. I miss you.