disconnect

You know, meeting him felt like I was buying a home.

And a property dealer came into my life, and he told me that the home he was going to show me was very beautiful. It had big windows, it had a beautiful porch, it had a beautiful room, and there were three to four rooms. You know, it was very spacious — but not so spacious that you’d feel lost inside. It was cozy in a way that you’d find belonging there, you’d find love there, you’d feel like returning back there. It was warm, it was kind, it was a compassionate place where you could be you, where you would love.

And every time he talked about that house, he showed me some pictures of it, and I was like, “Oh my god, oh my god, yes, I like it, I like it, I like it.”

He kept talking about that house. He sent me one or two pictures, but for 11 days he told me about that house — more about that house. The paint, the color, the texture, the walls, the roof, the garden, the doors, the windows, the bed, the wardrobe — everything. The kitchen, the utensils, the staircase — what not. He told me everything about that house. And as he continued telling me about that house, every other day, for hours, I felt like I want to be there. I want to be there. This is where my home is.

I felt emotionally attuned with the presence of that home in my mind.

I want to be there. I want to be there.

I would see those two pictures daily.

I would talk about that house.

I would think about that house, thinking one day I will shift there. I’ll live there. I’ll enjoy there.

That’s my place. That’s what is calling me. That’s what’s calling my name.

“Oh, I want to be there. Oh, I want to be there,” I kept repeating. I kept chanting.

I kept talking to him, and he continued to tell me about it. He continued telling me about that house more and more and more and more.

And then, when I started telling him about the dreams I had for that house — how I wanted to keep it, how I wanted to change it — he listened.

I said, “Yeah, I can change it. It’s already a beautiful house, but okay, I will change that paint color.”

I told him, “I would bring my favorite paintings inside, hang them on the walls. I will paint my room with the color mauve. I would have beautiful tiles on my kitchen floors and on some kitchen walls. I would grow dandelions in my garden, sunflowers in the backyard. I would make that home mine because it was meant to be mine. I would live in that home. I would write about my life in that home. I would make my life in that home. I would cook for myself. I would dance in the kitchen. I would watch my favorite shows. I would sleep in its presence.”

And then one day, I asked him, “It is enough. You are just telling me about that house — and just two pictures of it. And both the pictures are a little different from each other, but okay. Anyways, maybe that's the issue with the way you clicked the pictures of the house. It's okay. It's fine. Show me that house. I want to see that house. I want to feel that house. I want to make that my home.”

And I forced him.

And he said, “Okay. Let’s see.”

And then I saw that house.

My dreams shattered.

Was this the house I was talking about?

Was this the house I felt dreamy about?

Was this the house that was supposed to fulfill all my dreams?

Was this the house I was emotionally yearning for?

Are you serious?

You betrayed me.

Yeah, you did.

Whatever you said, and whatever it is — it’s different. It’s nothing at all.

It’s just a foundation.

No house.

You are a liar.

And my dreams shattered.

It felt like that — talking to him, and then seeing him one day.

But he was not a bad person. I could feel his soul in his words.

He was a gentleman. He was an amazing soul.

Amazing.

And the story in my mind, the potential I saw — it was so beautiful. I couldn’t tell anyone.

It was a dream I saw, and one afternoon I just woke up and found it’s over. Because the voice I heard, the emotional closeness I felt from a man through his voice, was so profound.

But I never knew who was behind that voice.

I never knew who I was talking to.

But I built that empire just in the sky.

It had no foundation.

It was all broken.

It was just an illusion

It was just a dream.

But I don’t hate him.

He was a soul nobody could ever hate — always glowing, always holding a calming space in everyone’s life.

Every day when I think of you, I feel sorry for both of us.

How emotionally starving I was, and how emotionally fulfilling you were.

Even when my dream shattered, I still send all my blessings to you — again and again.

Because you always said I was lucky for you, and so I want to give all my luck to you.

And also enough courage — so that you choose to dream once again, without thinking of me.

But never build your empire in the sky like I did.

Build it on earth, with heart, mind, and body — all three aligned.

You made me feel what emotions truly are — how beautiful they feel.

For the first time, someone’s voice became my home, and I called it love.

Thank you for showing me what a man can offer in love — how deeply he can feel.

And how wrong the world has been to assume men don’t hold emotions.

They do — and when they show them, they do so with sincerity.

I never found a man this emotionally present.

And I’m never going to settle in my life — just because of you.

You are an ocean.