Flipping through the pages of my diary

There are different kinds of love in this world like warm love, compassionate love, anxious love, avoidant love, secure love, emotionally fulfilling love, disappointing love, arrogant love, kind love, attentive love, sensitive love, joyful love, consistent love, inconsistent love, romantic love, passionate love, gentle love, fierce love, impatient love, burning love, calming love, silent love, loud love ...and the list will go on for long.  And despite of all these kinds, you will always get to choose the type of love you want, you need and feel deserving of. And I will always choose a love that will calm my nervous system, that will always make me feel emotionally safe, where everything is workable, where everything can be communicated with love. I will always choose a love that will sit by my side in silence too, a love that will assure me not with words adorned with love but one that is full of actions, a love where I don't have to prove my worth daily, a love which I dont have ...

I would always wonder why you and I, who were so fundamentally different, came together. You were always running away from me when you were upset, while I would run into you all the time, pestering you for what happened, asking you multiple times, and watching your silence speak to me. I always felt like the door was closed in my face when I tried to reach out to you because I don’t know what personal space means. And maybe more than that, my heart was scared that the door might never open again. I loved you so much that my soul wanted to transcribe every part of your soul so we would never fall into misunderstandings again. I thought maybe silence had its own language, and I would try to read it, but I couldn’t master it, and your silence ghosted me. My anger toward you often evaporated through tears falling down, and I never knew what to say because I had many words stuck in my throat, which never really aligned at their best to make sense. I was anxiously attached, and you had an av...