i think of you Ashaz as a man i will never meet
I think, there's so much stillness and romance in nights when your nervous system is calm, and you are no longer afraid of losing someone. Ashaz that's what i was telling you that evening when we met coincidentally or maybe all planned near that flower shop in the local market near your home. I feel the world is yours, and in this world some people belong to you so no matter where we drift apart, we are all going to come back to each other.
Ashaz has always been a type of guy i admired. I admired him not for how good looking he was when he was formally dressed up in his black suit, or how tall he looked when he stood by my side during a picture session, or how profound his iris looked when sunlight touched them. I actually admired him for the first time for how wise he was with his words. He was the man i would go to talk about my life. In my eyes he was a human version of all the most greatest philosophical books of all the time. He knew life more than me and everytime he talked about it, i felt like we were somewhere far away from this world of human existence. His words were surreal.
We would talk about floating on clouds, being on jupiter, dancing in the mid of Atlantic, sliding down the glaciers, camping in the moon's craters, singing our own made up songs, reading books to each other at night, looking for the dust in the thin air, sending random pictures of life and doing all the most crazy things that would cut us from this world. I know how bizarre it all looks. But sometimes we all need such talks. We all need to be away from this world, just sometimes not always.
He was a man far beyond his age. I am not sure what all he experienced in his life but whatever that must be, it made him lose his innocence. Ashaz always told me that little bit of innocence is important to have trust in this world or else we all will only doubt each other's words and intentions.
Some nights we wont utter a single word on call. We both would lie in our beds and listen to each others world. Who's that cat in your neighborhood? I would ask him.
He replied, "She has always been here for a long time but i am not sure if she's really a stray cat or someone's pet."
From the ticking of our wall clocks to the sound of vehicles passing by, time would pass and we'll blink our eyes in the morning. Ashaz and i had no name to our connection. It was just two humans desiring to be together. Until when? We never talked. We never brought these questions to each other. We were probably scared that we'd ruin everything. Sometimes having no entitlement for a connection is better than having a defined entitlement.
I had a human in my phone, i felt like this. I was sure no matter where we would be, we would always pick each other's call. Ashaz was the only gentleman i met till now and i am not quite sure if there are men like him. But whatever must be the truth, the idea of him in my mind could never be replaced.
And now that you are no longer here, i feel it's just waste of time to look for you in another human being, because i can only find you in rainbows, in settling skies, in moving clouds, in flowing rivers, in falling rain, in the rushing vehicles, in the sound of cats, in the stillness of a neighborhood, in the burning fireplace, in the snowing winters, in the rustling leaves, in the tintinnabulation of the windchimes, in the stories of jupiter and mars, in the sunlight, in the morning mist, in the late dew, in the phases of moon. I think your beauty only exist in these forms and not in a mere human form. So when i look around, i feel you are everywhere around me, just not where i am, in front of my eyes.
Back then i didn't want to waste any time thinking who we are to each other but now that i look back, i think, it was simple, i belonged to you and most probably you belonged to me so wherever we went, we would find each other back. But maybe not this time, we are long gone.
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